Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example.
Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you’re left with the situation we have today.
For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron.
For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
A remake is one thing - it takes the setting of the original, reworks it usually in a daft way, misses the point of the first film and then craps out an unrecognisable lump of cud where once stood a thoroughly recognisable lump of cud.
A remake of a film where the soundtrack is the most celebrated aspect of it is another thing altogether, especially when someone like Timbaland is on-board to re-jig the whole thing. Yes, the man seems capable of making anything a hit, but that’s because he makes the music he is involved with incredibly devoid of substance, vapid and generally appealing to the lowest common denominator through sheer weight of simplicity.
Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Bee Gees, only less terrifying and high-pitched. In other words; it’s a great idea - go for it!
Simon Cowell, on the other hand, won’t be involved to flex his creative muscles - even if they are just as withered as Timbaland’s. No, the high-panted king of Television For Morons is sure to be involved for far more benevolent reasons. Namely: the fact that it will make him at least four shitloads of money.
Why do we know this? Because it will apparently have everybody’s favourite “less character than an actual Action Man doll” actor Zac Efron fronting the new Saturday Night Fever.
That’s a manchild second only to Robert Pattinson in the ‘making little girls and spinsters part with their cash’ stakes, so it’s yet another licence to print moolah for Cowell and co.
A source told The Sun newspaper:
“Simon has been looking into buying the rights for years and opened discussions with Robert about the remake.
“The charm offensive has been in full swing and they made a breakthrough over the last couple of weeks.”
No one knows when the film will be out, who else will be in it or how much of a direct rip-off of Step Up 2: The Streets it will be. Though hecklerspray hopes it will be a massive rip-off of the aformentioned classic of cinema.
We really need to get into this “making stuff to get a lot of money” business. It seems easy enough.
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